This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either the product of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously, and any actual resemblance to persons or historical persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.
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© Copyright: 1996-2004. Lisa Philbrick
The Dukes of Hazzard
One of Those Days...
By Lisa Philbrick
It had started off like any other typical day in Hazzard County.
Sheriff Rosco was in hot pursuit of Bo and Luke and as usual was left
in the dust. But this car chase became the trigger to one of those
days...and friends, what a day it turned out to be!
Finding himself crashing through another fence, Rosco could do no more than just hang on for the ride. After the patrol car finished rocking and splintered wood had all fallen to the ground, he looked up as the General Lee disappeared down the road.
Ding dang it, he muttered. Just once I wish that General Lee would have the vapors!
Up the road, Bo turned in the passenger seat and looked back. He chuckled. Another day, another lost Rosco.
And another busted fence for us to fix, Luke added.
Bo smiled. Maybe we oughta get Rosco to do it? After all, he crashed through it.
Ha! Ifn Rosco fixed fences, thered be none in Hazzard!
They aint kiddin on that.
Well the boys made it to town and a little later Rosco did too. Just when Rosco thought there was no way to catch the boys, he was suddenly hit with an idea. And what an idea...
As Rosco pulled into town, he spotted the General Lee parked just down the street from Cooters garage. As he slowly drove by, Rosco glanced at the back end of the old Charger and the two skinny tail pipes. His wish for the General to have the vapors, he realized, could be a reality.
Rosco stopped the patrol car and looked towards the garage. The boys were inside talking to Cooter. They didnt see him as he backed the patrol car up and parked behind the General. With a giggle, he stepped out of the car and went to the trunk, finding two old grease rags. He walked over to the tail end of the General.
Now General, Rosco said as he kneeled down to the tail pipes, this aint nothin personal but Ive had it with them boys leavin me in the dust all the time and not lettin me give em a ticket fer speedin, specially when theys speedin! As he spoke, he stuffed the rags into the two tail pipes. He looked up every so often to make sure no one saw him, and especially not the Dukes. He finished stuffing the rags into the tail pipes, making sure they were well hidden inside the pipes. He returned to his patrol car and closed the trunk and then backed the patrol car up, turning it around to drive around the back of the courthouse and come back into town on the street near the bank. He drove past the front of the courthouse and then turned down the street towards Cooters garage, seeing the Dukes still in the garage bay talking to the mechanic.
Rosco stopped the car and yelled at the boys. Ha! I see ya! You aint gonna git away this time!
The boys turned and looked and then bolted out of the garage and down the street to the General. Rosco watched them run, never moving the patrol car. He heard the General roar to life and then Bo dropped the hammer.
Tires spun as the Charger moved forward. The car then started to buck and stall. Now Rosco drove his patrol car over to them as Bo tried to restart the General, but the car only choked.
Rosco got out of his patrol car and pulled out his ticket book. Bo and Luke exchanged sheepish glances as the Sheriff flipped it open with a snicker and started writing up the speeding ticket. When he finished, he pulled it out of the book.
Oooh I love it, I love it! he exclaimed and handed it to Bo through the window. Too bad, the General Lee got the vapors maybe? Khee khee! Um...actually, it sounds more like an exhaust problem to me. He snickered again and returned to his patrol car.
I dont believe this, Luke muttered, looking at the ticket Bo held in his hand.
Of all the times for the General to quit... Bo said. He and Luke climbed out of the car as Cooter came running over.
What the heck happened yall?
The General quit, thats what happened, Bo replied and held up the ticket. And this is what we got for it.
Luke popped open the hood and all three looked in at the engine.
Well, everything here looks fine, Cooter said.
Bo looked at Luke. What did Rosco say?
Luke suddenly realized something. That it might be an exhaust problem... The two cousins suddenly marched to the back of the car and checked the pipes. When they saw the rags hidden inside, they glanced at each other.
Rosco, they chorused. They each pulled a rag out as Cooter joined them.
Where the heck did those come from? he asked.
They were in the tail pipes, Luke said. Courtesy of the Hazzard County Sheriff.
Really? Cooter chuckled. Ill be, whered he learn a trick like that?
Cooter... Bo scolded.
Luke chuckled. Gotta admit it worked for his purpose.
Yeah, well maybe we oughta plug his tail pipe see how he likes it, Bo said. The younger Duke obviously found no humor in what Rosco had done.
Luke mischievously eyed his cousin and friend.
Uh oh, Lukes got that look, Cooter said.
Bo looked at his cousin. What?
Wanna git back at Rosco?
Cooter laughed. What do you have in mind?
Its better than pluggin tail pipes thats for sure... Luke said with a smile.
* * *
Sometime that night, after Rosco returned home from his last patrol,
three shadowy figures made their way onto the Coltrane property. One
got into Roscos patrol car and put the car into neutral while
the other two pushed. When they got it to the road
the car turned over.
Bo grinned. He left the keys in it.
The Plymouth drove away once Luke and Cooter were inside.
When the morning light shone through the windows, MaryAnne got up and put her uniform on, sans her neck tie. She shuffled her way down to the kitchen with Flash and Bandit following. First things was first. The puppies were hungry.
MaryAnne turned to the cupboard to get out the dog food and stopped when something caught her eye out the window. She looked out and her jaw dropped.
There, parked in the driveway was Roscos patrol car in a new color: Hot Pink.
ROSCO!! MaryAnne momentarily forgot the dogs and ran to the stairway, calling to Rosco again.
Rosco stepped out of the bathroom wearing his black pants, a white T-shirt and his face half covered in shaving cream.
He came down the stairs as MaryAnne turned to the front door. Rosco lunged down the stairs, figuring something was desperately wrong, and followed MaryAnne out the front door.
He stopped dead in his tracks at the sight of his hot pink Plymouth Fury.
Jit jit!! How the--what the--its PINK!
I know its pink! Howd it get like that?? Were not paintin all the patrol cars this color are we?? She started laughing, the shock of the situation now giving way to humor.
Arrre you kiddin me! Of course not. It was white when I came home last night! I swear! Rosco walked around the back of the car, as if to see if all four sides of the car were indeed painted pink. I dont believe this...
Good luck drivin it to town.
I aint drivin this thing to town!
I aint either.
Why not, pinks a girls color.
MaryAnne laughed. I dunno, Rosco, somebody got you good. Theyre gonna see you comin for miles in this thing. Although, look at it this way, chasin General Lee will be quite a fluorescent experience.
Rosco paused at the mention of the General. If there was anyone in Hazzard that would go so far as to repaint his patrol car hot pink, it would be...
Them Dukes, he said aloud. He looked across the blinding hood of the Plymouth. I bet theyre the ones that did this.
Oh now Rosco I know them Dukes aint particular to your kinda law, but paintin yer patrol car? What would make them do this?
Probably because I gave them a speedin ticket yesterday....
MaryAnne raised an eyebrow. That made little sense.
Well, I tinkered with the General to do it.
Oooh shame, shame. What did you do?
I uh...plugged the tail pipes.
Rosco! MaryAnne burst out laughing. What the heck made you think to do that??
I dunno, probably that movie we saw a couple months ago. The one with...
The banana in the tail pipe? Well thats the last time we watch an Eddie Murphy movie. Cant have you be gettin any ideas!
Well, I cant out drive em so I thought I could outsmart em.
MaryAnne chuckled. Well, they got you back good this time, Rosco. I hope you have enough good sense to not try to upstage this little show.
Rosco? Not try to upstage the Dukes? Hmm, MaryAnne must not quite be able to see the grin under all that shavin cream...
Bo and Luke sat quietly at the breakfast table and managed to keep straight
faces until they made eye contact. Daisy was bewildered at their sudden
outburst of laughter.
"Care to share the punch line with the rest of us?" she asked her two cousins.
Luke looked at his younger cousin and another chuckle came from the two. He then looked at Daisy. Bo and I played a, uh, bit of joke on Rosco. I cant help but wonder if hes found it by now.
Oh hes gotta by now, Bo said, his grin never fading.
"What kinda joke?" Daisy asked. She looked over at Uncle Jesse, concerned at the scowl forming on his face. "You two didn't do somethin' you'll regret later, didja?" she questioned, finding it hard to not crack a smile in response to her cousins' mile wide grins.
Believe us, this ones worth the price of admission, Luke said. See, seeing as Rosco took it upon himself to plug the Generals tailpipes in order to serve me and Bo one of his phony speedin tickets, Bo and I decided to reply in like.
Yeah, only we didnt plug his tail pipe. We took some of that hot pink paint Cooters got and applied it to his patrol car. Bo could barely finish the sentence without laughing.
Daisy couldn't contain her smile any longer. She started laughing at the thought of Hazzard's Finest driving in hot pink patrol cars. We do things differently in Hazzard, but this is ridiculous, she thought to herself. She glanced over at Uncle Jesse and noticed a small smirk on his face for a brief instant and then he covered it with stern look of disapproval.
Now boys...thats defacing county property...
The boys snickers died down.
Umm...well, yes sir it is, Luke started.
But what Rosco did to the General is gonna cost us $150 to have fixed, Bo defended. Besides, you always taught us that if youre gonna retaliate against someone, you do it with property and not with people.
Yer right, I did...but if J.D. Hogg finds out what you two have done, hell have yall paying for a new paint job.
You mean to Cletuss car? So itll match Roscos? Bo said with a grin.
Bo... Jesses stern look softened and he chuckled. Gotta admit that was a pretty good trick. The Duke patriach laughed.
Daisy's laughter died down and she looked at her two cousins, a thought forming suddenly. "Do you think Rosco'll try to get back at you two for that prank?"
The boys looked at each other and grinned.
Uhh...I think if Rosco knows whats good for him, hell leave it alone, Jesse said. As should you two.
The boys nodded, obeying their uncle. But the twinkle never left their eyes. They were pretty sure Rosco wouldnt try anything anyways...especially not after having to drive a pink patrol car. Right?
Ya see, Bo and Luke are underestimatin Rosco right now. They think he aint gonna strike back. And you think this storys gonna end here dont ya? Yall better not go to the refrigerator right now...
Rosco drove his hot pink patrol car into town and try as he might, he couldnt block out the shagrins, snickers and down right out loud laughter that accompanied his arrival into town. He quickly pulled the patrol car around to the back of the courthouse
and was going to park it in the impound lot when he realized the lot was full and the county tow truck was blocking further passage into the yard.
Deputy Cletus Hogg looked up from his clipboard and saw the bright pink Plymouth Fury. Buzzards on a buzz saw! he exclaimed and hurried over to Rosco.
Sheriff! What happened to your car?!
Cletus, will you hush! Cant you git this tow truck outta the way so I can git this car off the street??
Well, Id love to Sheriff, but the lots full. The deputy grinned. Me and Enos have been picking up them $15 parking fines like hotcakes.
Cletus, I dont care about them $15 parking fines! Just git this tow truck outta the way and -- Rosco stopped when the strains of Dixie filled the square. He turned in time to see the General Lee come to a sliding stop behind the pink patrol car. The boys slid through the windows on their car and sat on the doors admiring Roscos patrol car.
Wow, Rosco....thats a great color for your patrol car, Bo said.
Yeah, you gonna have Cletuss car painted that color?? Luke asked.
Sheriff, you aint gonna have my car painted that color are ya?!?
Cletus, hush! You Dukes!! You did this!! Rosco shook his fist at them as they slid back into their car. Youll pay for this, you just wait!
Yeehaaa!! Bo replied as the General took off back towards the square.
Jit jit! Them dang Dukes...
You know, Sheriff, Id do anything for ya but Im not drivin in a pink patrol car.
Cletus! We aint paintin the other cars pink. What were gonna do is git this one back to being white! And then were gonna figure out how to get back at them Dukes.
Get back at em? Cletus chuckled. I dunno, Rosco...
The Sheriff wasnt listening. He was looking over towards Cooters garage and watching as the mechanic waved goodbye to a customer. Rosco grinned and his blue eyes were already brewing with a plan.
Rosco knows that the Dukes had to get the pink paint somewhere and to paint the whole car in one night, they would have needed some help. Friends....the last time ol Rosco had that look on his face he was a demolition expert in the Army in Korea. And was blowin up bridges!
Go on, Cletus, Rosco said. Git this truck here outta the way so we can repaint my patrol car back to the right color.
Cletus nodded and walked to the tow truck.
Bo and Luke, meanwhile, were laughing loud and hearty as they drove back to the farm.
Did you see the look on Cletuss face?? Bo laughed. Oh man, that was a Kodak moment right there.
Luke snorted. Gotta admit I didnt think that pink would be as bright once we saw it in the daylight.
Bo laughed as the General cruised through the country side.
The customer Rosco saw leave Cooters garage was half way out of town when a white Plymouth Fury caught up to him. He pulled over and the Sheriff pulled up behind him. Rosco got out of Cletuss patrol car and strolled up to the car.
When struck with inspiration, ol Rosco could put even the
most experienced tricksters to shame.
The man looked at the two hundred and fifty dollar phony speeding ticket the Sheriff had handed him and then up to Roscos face. Lemme get this straight. You want me to go back and tell Cooter he made my car worse and finagle him some way, and I wont have to pay this ticket?
The man pondered his situation for a moment. Does this all have something to do with you drivin in this mornin in a pink patrol car?
Hmm....well, I dunno Sheriff. I mean, two hundred and fifty dollars, Id rather pay that than go and pull a dirty trick on Cooter.
How about if I change that $250 ticket into 30 days in my slammer?
Hmm...I dont think Cooter quite fixed this carburetor like he said he was gonna...
There ya go. Id be gettin back to town if I was you.
Rosco followed the man back to town and watched from the corner of the sidewalk near the courthouse as the man went into the garage.
Cooter was bent over a diesel engine and the noise level in the garage was like white noise. He didnt know anyone had come in until he had a tap on his shoulder. He looked up and saw it was the customer he had earlier that morning. The man was agitated and Cooter heard him say something about the car not running right. Cooter was about to ask the man to hold on for a second, so he could shut the truck engine off and listen to the mans concerns, but the man apparently was beyond reasoning. The man saw the pully chain and the hook for removing an engine was hanging down just behind Cooter and he grabbed it and the mechanic at the same time. He hooked the claw on Cooters jeans and yanked the chain, sending the mechanic up into the rafters of his garage.
HEY!! Cooter yelled. The man locked the chain and left Cooter suspended like that and walked out of the garage.
Rosco couldnt hold his grin back. He had seen Cooter, arms and legs flapping around as he was pulled up off the floor of the garage and then he disappeared beyond the top of the garage door. The man drove away from the garage and Rosco turned around and laughed as he walked to the courthouse steps to fetch Cletus.
Ol Cooter looks like a Hemi engine strung up there, dont he?
Cooter struggled for a few minutes trying to reach behind him and grab the chain in a vain effort to try to free himself from it but he was quickly getting nowhere.
Cooter knew hed never be able to figure a way to get himself down, and over the gargling of the diesel engine, no one was gonna hear him call out for help either. That left the only thing he could do, which was to wait for somebody to come strollin in.
And look whos come strollin in....
Rosco and Cletus appeared at the entrance of the garage and paused to look up at Cooter in the rafters. The mechanic looked down at them and momentarily was glad to see them, but the wide grin on Roscos face made Cooter caution.
The two officers entered the garage and Rosco paused to shut off the truck Cooter had been working on. He then looked up at the mechanic.
Well, I see yer hung up a bit there, Cooter, Ill come back later. KHEE!!
The Sheriff ignored the half threatening, half pleading voice of Cooter and exited the garage. Cletus just looked up apologetically.
Cletus, help me get down from here will ya?
Cletus! Git yer posterior out on patrol! Rosco called from the edge of the street.
Cletus turned to the Sheriff. Cant we at least let Cooter down now?
No! We aint got time to be concernin ourselves with piddly stuff like Cooter. Now git!
Argh, Cletus obeyed and left the garage, heading for his patrol car.
Cletus! Aw man... Cooter sighed, figuring he was gonna be hung up for awhile.
Not long after Rosco returned to the courthouse and Cletus left for his patrol, the boys drove into town and stopped, naturally, at Cooters garage. The boys parked the General and slid out the windows. They walked to the garage, calling for Cooter.
Im up here.
Bo and Luke stopped at the entrance and looked up.
Cooter! Howd you get up there? Luke asked.
Listen, why dont yall get me down and Ill tell ya about it.
After the boys got Cooter down, he told them about Rosco and Cletus showing up and how Rosco seemed particularly pleased to see Cooter hung up like a side of beef.
Bo couldnt help but chuckle a bit. So much for thinkin Rosco would leave this alone.
Luke snorted. Got that right. Well we aint lettin him have the last laugh. He looked at Cooter. You willin to help us out with another joke or do you want out?
After what Rosco just put me through? You bet I want in on this!
Bo slapped Cooter on the shoulder.
Luke smiled. Awright, heres what Im thinkin...
Now while all this practical jokin was startin to get into full swing, the town of Hazzard had an unexpected visitor....
After the boys and Cooter left the garage to start on their next joke, a white Volkswagen Beetle convertible pulled up to the Hazzard County courthouse, parking on the side facing the bank.
Friends and neighbors, you cant get anything more unexpectin than Hughie Hogg.
GAH! Boss exclaimed when his nephew walked into the office. Hughie Hogg what are you doing here? I threw you out of Hazzard last time and that was supposed to be permanent like!
Hughie flashed a smile and held his hands up. Easy there, Uncle Boss. Im just passin through and thought Id pay a visit to the kin folk.
Bah. Boss rolled his eyes. He knew a line of bull when he heard it. Hughie was up to something. He always was. Boss sat back down at his desk and lit a fresh cigar. Not that Im terribly interested, he said, putting the lighter down, but what
brings you back to these neck of the woods? He looked up at Hughie. Passin through or otherwise?
Hughie reached for a cigar from Bosss stash on the desk and promptly had his hand slapped away. Finances, Hughie answered. Investments. Got myself a nice little deal simmerin over in Hatchapie County.
Yeah. Hughie now sat down in one of the chairs across from his uncle. The word money and its many derivatives always got Bosss attention, despite his Uncles uninterested attitude at the moment. Hughie knew Boss was listening. He had the hook,
now he just had to reel his Uncle in. Bought a chunk of dirt over in Hatchapie years ago, for mere dollars per acre.
Now...it turns out the lands really worth something.
Almost two and half million dollars.
Boss nearly lost his cigar. He looked at his nephew, bug eyed. Two and a half million dollars...? he savored every syllable.
Hughie grinned. Yup. He had one tug on the line down. Would you be interested in partnerin up with me in a lil deal I got cookin?
Woah, woah, wait a minute, Boss said, returning to a serious business like posture. Wheres this land located? And whats on it that makes it so valuable, supposedly?
Its located near the town of Whitehead, near the state border. Its about 30 acres. And it aint whats on it that makes it valuable. Its whats below it.
Hughie chuckled. Sorta. Black gold, Uncle Boss. Oil.
Oil... Boss whispered. He leaned forward a bit and gave his nephew a scrutinizing look, trying to determine if Hughie was on the level or was totally double-dealing. Something was warning him that the little piglet was up to something, considering their past. Something else was telling him theres was a fine money making opportunity in all of this.
Hughie figured Boss would be remembering that past too. The idea though, was to make him forget it, at least momentarily to sign on with this deal, which, if all went well, Hughie would find himself with all of Bosss holdings, including his title of County
Commissioner. Hughie was redecorating the courthouse office already in his mind.
When I bought the land I also bought the mineral rights, he explained. Every land transaction I do, I purchase the mineral rights if I can. Youd be surprised how many folks forget that little important detail.
Heh heh, I can imagine.
Well, I was thinkin to subdivide the land and develop it. I had a geologist come in and poke around a bit and he found evidence that suggests theres oil there--
Wait a minute. Suggests?
You gotta dig to see if its actually there. I had a rig set up and four days later, they hit the jackpot.
So there is oil there.
Of course. If there wasnt oil there, I wouldnt be here.
Which was my original question. Why are you here?
Ive got a dilemma. I could drill the oil myself, sell it, have my own oil empire, make JR Ewing look like a choir boy....
Or...I could sell it all, take the money and run.
How do I fit into your dilemma?
Well... It was time to reel him in. I know Ive done you wrong in the past, and I regret that. I look up to you, Uncle Boss. I emulate you, I wanna show to the Hogg clan that Im worthy of the Hogg name, ya know, being part of the next generation. What I was thinkin was to cut you in on this oil deal. Make you a partner. I used up most of my available funds in settin up the one rig to drill. If I wanna turn this into a full fledged operation, Im gonna need some immediate capital. That means I need investors and I really dont want to have a bunch of strangers comin in and tryin to run the show, you know?
But I figured you, if you were interested, would be willing to invest in this, for a considerable cut of course.
Sixty percent of the profits from the sale of the oil.
Boss was beginning to forget that past. How much of an investment are we talkin here?
Im gonna need at least $750,000.
Boss paused a moment and took a pocket calculator from his desk drawer.
Whats the goin rate on oil now?
I think its up to $12 per barrel.
And how many barrels do you think youll be producing?
Well, my one rig can put out 100 barrels a day. If we set up even just five rigs, at 100 barrels a day, for 365 days a year....
Boss punched away madly at the calculator. One years production was over 2 million dollars. With only five rigs. And that assumed that the $12 price stayed stable. Bosss 60% was just over a million dollars. Even if they subtracted out half a million in
over head expenses and payroll, split that between himself and Hughie...Boss would still recoup his initial investment. And if the price of oil went up...
Hee hee! Boss exclaimed gleefully. Hughie smiled too. He had his Uncle hook, line and sinker...
You know, I dont know what Hughies got planned, but I woulda thought by now that Boss would know better.
While Hughie was visitin with Boss, the boys and Cooter were waiting for Cletus to come back from patrol....
Cooter had the doors of the garage closed, and through the small opening, he and the boys watched for the white Plymouth Fury to pull up to the side entrance of the courthouse.
There he is, Bo announced, seeing the patrol car coming around the square.
Luke and Cooter grinned. Lets do it, Luke said. The three some spilled out of the garage and started to walk across the street. Luke and Cooter headed straight for Cletus, blocking his view of Bo, who ducked up ahead and around the courthouse.
Uh oh, Cletus said. Uh, listen Cooter, Im really sorry about earlier. I had nothin to do with any of that and the Sheriff told me to go on patrol and all if I hadnt gone--
He woulda probably fired ya, Luke finished. Still you coulda stopped and let Cooter down.
Im sorry, I know I shoulda. But then again, you boys shouldnta painted Roscos car pink.
He started it by pluggin the Generals tail pipes, Luke explained.
Cletus looked apologetic.
Hey, Cletus, Bo called coming up from behind the patrol car. I couldnt help but hear this car as you were coming around the square. Sounds you got hole started in the exhaust, you might want to have it checked out.
I didnt notice anything different.
Of course not, the exhaust is behind you, Bo said. He looked at Cooter. Im tellin ya it sounded weird. You oughta check this car out, it could be dangerous or something.
Cooter and Luke both went to the back of the car. Cooter got down on his back to look at the underside of the car. Hmm....I think ol Bos right. He got back up. Tell ya what Cletus, bring it on over to the garage and Ill give it a good lookin over.
Cletus seemed skeptical. Yall aint tryin to pull something for what Rosco did are ya?
Certainly not! Cooter replied. Hey, I forgive ya. Just to show ya what a good sport I am I wont even charge the county for checkin over the car. Only for the parts if any repairs are to be involved.
Cletus smiled. Well, all right then. Thanks, Cooter. He chuckled. Whew, I sure am glad yall aint mad at me.
The boys and Cooter laughed with Cletus. Shoot, we aint holdin no grudge against you, Cletus, Bo said. Of course, if we was to meet up with Rosco...
Cletus covered his ears. I dont wanna hear it.
The boys slapped him on the back. Dont worry, Cletus, you wont have anything to do with it, Luke said.
Uh huh. And Ive got beach front property in Tennessee to sell ya if you believe that...
Well while the boys and Cooter were fixin Cletuss patrol car, Hughie had taken Boss out to the site in Hatchapie County. Boss was beyond convinced by this point. Hughie had an actual oil rig set up, but the whole set up was fake. But it looked convincing enough...
Hughie stood with his oil foreman, watching Boss start to walk back to the Cadillac.
Did yer Uncle take the bait?
Hughie smirked. Hook, line and oil barrel.
The foreman chuckled.
I figure by this time next week, Hazzard Countys gonna have itself a new commissioner... Hughie lifted his cigar to his mouth and followed after his uncle to the Caddy.
* * *
After Hughie and Boss returned to town, of which neither the Dukes nor
Cooter noticed, Bo drove the Fury back to the front curb of the courthouse.
As was habit, he climbed out of the window. Nobody would have thought
that he couldnt open the door. He grinned at Luke and both looked
towards Cooter, who was heading into the courthouse to let Cletus know
that everything was all set.
Cmon, Luke said. The two headed back to the General.
Cooter strolled into the booking room and found Cletus at the booking desk. He smiled up at the deputy.
Yer all set Cletus, tail pipe was a little loose thats all.
No charge to the county.
Thanks, Cooter. I appreciate that.
Before turning to leave, Cooter noticed Boss come out of his office with
Hughie and the two were grinning. That was a bad sign. Cooter glanced
up at Cletus, who shrugged.
Cooter Davenport, what are you doin here? Boss asked.
Just concluding some business with county, Boss. Dont worry
I aint stayin long.... He eyed Hughie. Which
might be sound advice for some other folks in this room.
That any way to greet an old friend, Cooter? Hughie asked
with a smirk.
Awright, awright if yer done with yer business than be on your
way, Boss ordered.
Gladly, Cooter replied. See ya, Cletus. The mechanic
turned and left the booking room.
Outside, Cooter spotted the General parked near the square, the boys
watching for when Cletus would go on patrol and attempt to open the
doors. He headed over.
You tell Cletus the car was ready? Bo asked from the passenger
seat of the General.
Yup, and I got a heads up for yall.
Hughie Hogg is back in town.
Luke pointed to the side of the courthouse that faced the bank. Thought
that was his car over there.
Yeah, Cooter said, and he and Boss were both in there
and lookin like two happy hogs at the trough. You know that cant
Nope, Luke agreed. Guess we better try to figure out
whats goin on, before we get tangled into something we
dont wanna be tangled in.
Shoot, Bo said, disappointed. I was really startin to enjoy this jokin around.
Luke snorted. Dont worry, cousin, Im sure we can save
a few tricks for Boss and Hughie.
Cooter grinned. I dont doubt that.
Hey yall, theres Cletus. Bo pointed towards the
Cooter turned to watch with the boys as Cletus came down the steps of
the courthouse and walked to this patrol car. He grabbed the door handle
and yanked on it. The boys started chuckling and Cletus kept yanking
on it. The more he pulled, the
more they laughed. He checked the lock on the door and still kept pulling on the handle. Frustrated, he then went around the car and tried to open the passenger door too.
Cooter was howling in laughter. The boys were enjoying the site too.
Luke started the Generals engine. Lets go save em.
Go git him, yall!
Luke pulled the General around the square and pulled to a stop near Cletus. The boys took perch upon the doors.
Whats the matter, Cletus? Door wont open? Luke
No. Neither of em--! Realization suddenly hit the deputy.
Aww you said you werent gonna pull a trick!
Sorry, Cletus, Bo grinned. Listen, why dont you
use the windows, like we do. YEEEEHAAAAAA!
The boys slid back into the General and the big Charger pulled away,
blaring Dixie as it squealed around the back side of the
Argh! Cletus slapped the roof of the patrol car. They
said they werent gonna pull anything... he looked at his
welded shut patrol car. Now what am I gonna tell Rosco?
Hughie had come out of the courthouse just as the General pulled away
and heard the flustered deputy.
Tell Rosco what? Hughie asked.
That the doors are welded shut.
The Dukes welded the doors shut on your patrol car?
Cletus nodded. Yeah, well this all started yesterday....
Cletus told Hughie about the practical jokes that had been played
between the Dukes and the Sheriffs department and Hughie found
it amusin to say the least. But he also saw an opportunity. That
boy dont miss much...
Hughie walked to his VW Beetle and out of the corner of his eye spotted
the royal blue paint job of MaryAnnes Firebird parked by the
bank. The young Coltrane came out of the bank, dressed in her waitress
outfit and carrying an empty money bag. He watched her get into the
car and drive away.
I dunno what hes thinkin, but Im sure I dont
Out at the Boars Nest, it didnt take long for the mid afternoon
crowd to fill the place up. MaryAnne and Daisy were hopping, keeping
up with orders, but never loosing their smiles as they placed mugs
and pitchers of beer down at the tables, along with
pretzels and popcorn bowls.
Sitting at the bar, overseeing the crowd was Deputy Enos Strate. A glass
of buttermilk was on the bar near him. He was mostly watching Daisy
but trying to keep an unbiased eye on whole crowd.
Managing to stay out of trouble for at least an hour, Bo and Luke decided
to reward themselves with a stop at the Boars Nest. Complimentary
popcorn was tossed at the boys in greeting as they found a table.
Hey Enos, the boys called. Enos smiled to them and held up
his glass of buttermilk to them.
MaryAnne came to their table. Well, she asked with a smile,
I hear yall have been keepin yerselves pretty busy
today. Worked up a thirst?
The boys laughed. Yeah, weve had a full day so far,
Luke said. Two beers, please.
I heard what ya did to the Sheriffs patrol car, Enos
said. That wasnt very nice, fellas.
Did you give Rosco that same speech about what he did to the General?
Yeah, I did. I told him that it was a dirty trick and he shouldnta
And he shouldnta done what he did to Cooter either,
Whatd he do to Cooter? Enos asked.
Strung him up in the rafters of the garage, Luke answered.
He what?! MaryAnne said, returning to the table.
Well, he didnt specifically, he got somebody to do
it, Luke explained. He picked up his beer and looked into it.
Weve retaliated in like since then.
MaryAnne shook her head and chuckled. Oh boy. I can see this is
just gonna keep on going isnt it?
As long as Rosco wants it to, Bo said.
What did you fellas do in retaliation? Daisy asked from the
Bo and Luke looked at each other and both started laughing. We
welded the doors shut on Cletuss patrol car, Bo said.
Daisys eyes went wide and she started laughing.
Now boys, thats two patrol cars youve damaged!
And mines off limits! MaryAnne added, laughing. Gonna
have to post Bandit to guard it, you two keep this up.
I think Rosco oughta get the point by now, Luke said. He
looked at MaryAnne. Dont worry, we dont anything
to your patrol car. Or yours, Enos.
For some reason Im not comforted by that. MaryAnne
Meanwhile, outside, the aforementioned Rosco P. Coltrane was pulling
up to the Boars Nest in his old Pontiac LeMans.
Ol Rosco had good timin. See, he was originally just
comin out to get MaryAnnes spare set of keys to her patrol
car, seeing as his was still bright pink and Cletuss was welded
shut. But when he saw the General Lee...well, you tell me what you
think he thought.
Rosco parked the LeMans and got out, never taking his eyes of the orange
Dodge Charger. He walked over to it.
Khee... He looked down at the wheels and then over to the
entrance way of the Boars Nest. No one was coming or going, so
Rosco kneeled down and took the cap off the air valve of one of the
Several minutes later, Rosco walked into the Boars Nest.
Well howdy, Rosco, MaryAnne said, from the middle of the
Boars Nest with an empty tray in her hand. She grinned over to
the Dukes. Hey, fellas, lookie whos here.
Bo and Luke had looked and now had their faces turned inward, trying
to hide their sniggers. Rosco came to stand over by their table, but
he looked at MaryAnne.
Sweetheart, I need to borrow the keys to your patrol car. Somebody
welded the doors shut on Cletuss.
The boys had to work to hold back their laughter, allowing only a chirp
Sure, Rosco. MaryAnne headed towards the bar. Gosh,
I cant imagine anybody who would pull a stunt like that. I mean,
thats like your patrol car this morning. Who in all of Hazzard
County would wanna go and paint your car pink?
The boys lost it at this point. Hardy guffaws filled the air and Bo slapped
Rosco stood there, not scowling but not laughing with them either. He
glanced at them and then back to MaryAnne, who now handed him the keys.
I have a couple of theories on who might have done it.
Well I hope you catch em, she said.
Oh I intend to. Khee! Rosco turned to leave and MaryAnne
looked at the boys.
My patrol car is still off limits, she warned.
A little later, when the boys left the Boars Nest, they discovered
what Rosco had left them: Four flat tires.
Bo slapped the hood. Dang it!
He hit em all, Luke said, seeing for himself. So
much for carrying two spares.
Bo reached into the car and picked up the CB mike. Lost Sheep
to Crazy C, come back.
After a moment the radio came alive. Breaker one, breaker one,
might be crazy but I aint dumb, Crazy Cooter comin back
atchya, whats on yer mind Lost Sheep?
Tires, Bo replied. Four of them.
You blew all four tires?
No, the air was let out of all four tires, compliments of Rosco
Awhaw man.. Cooter chuckled a little. Well, you got
two more patrol cars to go through, at least.
Naw, we promised Enos and MaryAnne we wouldnt do nothin
to their patrol cars.....
Sitting in his VW bug near the Hatchapie County line, Hughie was listening
in on this CB transmission.
....Well have to figure out something else, Bo finished.
Hughie smirked. I got an idea for you Duke boys. He laughed
and started the Beetle, driving on into Hatchapie County.
You know, youd think hed know better. Pickin
on the Dukes and possibly MaryAnne? Baaad combination....
Well the rest of the day passed without incident. Bo and Luke were
takin time to figure out their next move, which of course left
Rosco to think that hed won...
Khee! the Sheriff exclaimed at the supper table that night.
He and MaryAnne were sitting down to a late supper.
I think you and boys need to call a truce before it gets out of
hand and they start leavin 01s all over the place,
So Ill slap a Sheriffs star on the General Lee.
MaryAnne laughed. Like I was sayin...
Well them boys didnt strike back today so I can only assume
that theyve run outta tricks. Either that Jesse finally gave
Is Boss gonna send the repair bills to the Dukes for paintin
yer car and gettin Cletuss car back the way it was?
Rosco nodded. Tho he told me if the other patrol cars are
damaged in some way, he was gonna have us all arrested.
They promised me and Enos that they wouldnt do anything to
our patrol cars.
Oh good! Khee!
A little later in the evening, after MaryAnne had left for her patrol,
Hughie and his foreman snuck up into the Coltrane yard.
They had spent most of the night watching from behind some bushes,
waiting for an opportunity. Once MaryAnne had left, they had it.
Maverick was parked in the drive, in front of where the patrol car had
been parked. The two men approached and quietly went about their task.
Hughie got into the car and put it in neutral, while his partner went
to the front of the car and pushed it
backwards. The Firebird rolled to the street. Once there, Hughie stepped on the brake to stop the car and turned the wheel. His partner went to the back of the car and pushed. When the car was a few feet down the road, Hughie stopped it and then went to work hot-wiring it. The car started a moment later and the lights came on. The partner jumped into the passenger seat. Lets get out of here, he said.
They drove out to the Boars Nest, bringing the Firebird around
the back. Hughie turned the car so the headlights faced the back wall
and he put the bird in park. Without saying anything, he and
his partner got out of the car and walked over to the back wall
Now yall may recall that the Boars Nest used to be
Bosss warehouse where he stored his whiskey. He also stored his
shine runner here too, and the back of the Boars Nest had a garage
door. When Boss had the warehouse converted into a bar, he kept the
garage door intact, puttin a false panel up and very few people
know this door even still exists.
Looks like Hughies one of the select few.
It wasnt long until Hughie and his partner had the panel open and
were looking into the Boars Nest. While the partner held the
panel up, Hughie went in and hit the lights. It would take them a few
moments to move some of the furniture around to get the
Thirty minutes later, Maverick was parked in the middle of the Boars
Nest. They rearranged the furniture around the car and then put one
of the checkered table cloths over the hood of the car, complete with
a bowl of pretzels and a beer in the middle. As a finishing touch,
Hughie deflated all four tires on Maverick.
While he was busy doing that, his partner was busy in Bosss office.
When he finished, he gently closed the office door and met up with
Hughie near the false panel. The lights had already been turned out.
They closed the panel and secured it back in place. I still cant
figure out why youre going to all this trouble, the partner
said. Whats the Sheriffs cousin have to do with this?
Hughie shrugged. Entertainment value, mostly. Uncle Boss is the
one Im really tryin to get to.
Well, hell be in for a surprise when he comes here tomorrow.
Yeah, I know. Hughie smirked. Im sucha stinker...
Well aint this a fine how-do-ya-do? MaryAnne muttered,
standing on the porch of the Coltrane homestead. The headlights of
her still running patrol car flooded the spot of the yard where Maverick
had been parked, Bandit and Flash sniffing around in the empty area.
Behind her, Rosco sighed.
Im sorry, sweetheart. I didnt hear a thing. I was sittin
with Flash readin the paper and.... he sighed again. Im
When I find out who had the gall to step on our property and just
swipe my car, theyre the ones that are gonna be sorry.
She turned to Rosco. Not you. She patted him on the shoulder
and gave him a smile.
He put an arm around her shoulders. Well get him back. Ill
go to town and put an ABP out. You go get some rest.
Awright. Cmon Bandit. The German Shepherd followed
MaryAnne into the house.
By the time the morning came around, Rosco had received no word back
on the disappearance of Maverick. But he had a theory. In the back
of his mind, he wondered if the Dukes had something to do with it.
He kept this theory to himself, and decided that he would drive out
to the Duke farm later in the morning and confront the boys. It was
one thing that they were pulling jokes on each other, but he expected
that MaryAnne would be off limits. Rosco certainly hadnt considered
pulling any tricks on Daisy.
A few minutes after 8, MaryAnne arrived at the courthouse dressed in
her deputies uniform. She made a quick change and by 8:15 emerged from
the ladies room dressed in her waitress uniform of black shorts and
a light purple short sleeved blouse. She stood in the middle of the
booking room waiting for Boss. She had agreed to go with him out to
the Boars Nest to help open up and cover the early morning shift
until one of the other girls arrived for the lunch time shift.
Rosco looked up. You sure you dont want to take the LeMans?
MaryAnne shook her head. Boss is gonna be there until the lunch
shift anyway. He has to come back to town for a 1 oclock meeting,
so he said hell bring me back too.
Rosco nodded. Maybe Ill have a lead on Maverick by then.
MaryAnne smiled. Thatd be nice.
Okay, MaryAnne, Boss said, coming out of his office. He pulled
his car keys from his pocket and placed his cigar between his lips.
MaryAnne waved to Rosco. See ya.
Outside, parked at the end of the block was a traditional dark colored
sedan. Hughie sat in it with two of his buddies and they watched Boss
and MaryAnne come out of the courthouse.
Whos the good lookin lady? the driver asked.
Hughie grinned. Thats the lady that owns the Firebird we
swiped last night.
The passenger looked at Hughie. Thats the Sheriffs
Yeah, Hughie said. Careful boys, shes as sharp
as she looks. Ive heard enough about her to be cautious.
Then whyd you steal her car?
She aint gonna know I stole it. Shes gonna think them
Duke boys did it. And Uncle Boss is gonna think them Dukes did it and
Roscos gonna think them Dukes did it.
How does this help you?
It distracts Uncle Boss. While hes fuming over the Dukes
pulling tricks, I slip that piece of paper in front of him and have
him fork over $750,000 and all of Hazzard County!
The men laughed and the driver started the car. They followed Boss and
MaryAnne to the Boars Nest.
Boss parked the Cadillac near the front entrance of the Boars Nest
and he and MaryAnne stepped out of the car. Boss got to the front door
first and unlocked it. MaryAnne followed him in and he hit the light
MaryAnne jumped and quickly peered around Boss. Her jaw dropped at the
sight of her car sitting in the middle of the Boars Nest with
a checkered table cloth spread across the hood and a bowl of popcorn
and mug of beer on top. Maverick! How the heck did you end up
She and Boss stepped into the Boars Nest and approached the car.
I thought yer car was stolen last night?
It was! MaryAnne noted the tires. Aw terrific, all
four tires are flat. She put a hand on her hip and looked at
Them Dukes, Boss grumbled. He walked over to the door to
his back office and opened it. He felt the door hit something a split
second before a fine dust cloud suddenly appeared from behind the door.
Oh....ewww! Pewww! Boss backed away from the door and looked
at MaryAnne. The waitress came over to see what was the problem and
her nose was suddenly assaulted in a foul smelling odor.
Gack...ugh! She grabbed Bosss arm and they hurried
out the front door of the Boars Nest, to fresh air. They stood
by the Caddy coughing and breathing in better air.
Ol Hughie wasnt kiddin when he said he was a
What the heck was that? MaryAnne asked.
Another prank! Boss rasped. Grrr them Dukes have really
gone too far this time! Yer car and a stink bomb! Oooh, if I get my
hands on them boys...
You better save one of em for me, MaryAnne said. She
walked over to the doorway of the Boars Nest and pulled the Closed
sign from the entry way. She quickly closed the door and hung the sign
on the front of the double door entrance.
Awright, lets get back to town, Boss said. The
Boars Nest sure aint gonna be open for business after that!
He and MaryAnne walked back to his Caddy.
I wanna know how the heck they got my car in there... MaryAnne
muttered as she got in the passenger seat.
Hughie and his henchmen, meanwhile, were getting their yucks. They watched
as the white Cadillac drove away.
What do we do now?
We wait for Uncle Boss to retaliate against the Dukes...and then
we retaliate on behalf of the Dukes. Hughie smirked. Aint
Well, as Duke luck would have it, Bo and Luke were in town when
Boss and MaryAnne returned. And they were sure in for a surprise...
MaryAnne spotted the General Lee in front of Rhuebottoms General
Theres the Dukes now, she said, pointing. Boss passed
around the courthouse and went straight to Rhuebottoms.
Bo and Luke looked up from the bags they placed in the trunk of the General
to see the Caddy come to a quick stop. Seeing Boss leap out of the
car head up about something was one thing, but seeing MaryAnne with
the same look made the boys pause. Neither had a chance to say good
morning or anything when MaryAnne came right to the point.
Ya know, it's one thing to have some practical joking going on
between you and Rosco, but you boys have really overstepped
it now. Your little surprise at the Boars' Nest this morning was not
funny. You're gonna buy me four new tires and get Maverick out
of the bar and back at my barn by the end of the day or else there
will be very serious consequences!"
What the--?? MaryAnne, wait a minute-- Luke started to sputter
when Boss cut him off with more.
AND! You boys can expect to owe me for the lost revenue from the
Boars Nest today because of the car and the stink bomb you left
there! And you may owe for more depending how long it takes to get
the Boars Nest back in shape!
Stink bomb? Bo said. What are you guys talkin
MaryAnne looked at Boss and rolled her eyes, she then turned and marched
to the courthouse.
Bah! was all Boss had to say. He poked his cigar in his mouth
and walked back to his Caddy. The tires yelped as the car backed up
and Bo and Luke looked at each other.
What the heck was that all about?? Bo wondered.
Hey yall! Cooter called, coming over from the garage.
Hed witnessed the whole thing. What the heck was that?
I dunno, Boss and MaryAnne both accuse me and Bo of leaving a stink
bomb and Maverick inside the Boars Nest.
Huh. Cooter looked down the road as the Cadillac went around
the front side of the courthouse. I can see Boss Hogg comin
atchya with something wild like that but...MaryAnne??
Thats about our reaction too, Luke said. Look,
lets get this stuff back to the farm and then well drive
out to the Boars Nest and see whats going on.
Hollar if ya need me.
You know it, Cooter, Bo said. He closed the trunk and then
he and Luke slid into the windows of the General. The car roared to
life and then drove away.
After dropping off the groceries at the farm, and explaining to
Jesse their latest predicament, the boys headed out to the Boars
Nest. Hughie and his crew, meanwhile, were back in town waiting for
Bosss next move.
After parking the General, Bo and Luke walked up to the front door of
the Boars Nest. They found the door unlocked, Boss and MaryAnne
having left it unlocked in their haste to leave. The foul smell had
remained and Bo and Luke had to pull their shirts up over their mouths.
God... Luke gagged. They came into the bar and found Maverick
sitting the same way MaryAnne and Boss had seen the car.
How the heck would somebody get a car in here to begin with?
Luke just shook his head and walked up to the Firebird to inspect it.
He saw the flat tires and the table cloth, but otherwise the car was
unscathed. He even glanced back at the front doors but knew there was
no way a car could have come in that way.
Bo walked over to Bosss office and peered in, seeing the remains
of the surprise that had been left behind. Heres the stink
Luke walked over and looked in the office. The container that contained
the offensive material had been knocked over when the door opened,
popping the lid off.
Why dont we put the lid back on that? Luke suggested.
The boys did and then decided they couldnt stand breathing through
their shirts anymore and they quickly vacated the Boars Nest.
Back out by the General they paused to breathe in better air. Bo looked
at Luke. Any ideas?
No, nothing. Like you Im still tryin to figure out
how the heck you get a car inside there. He turned back and looked
at the building, finding the facade was not giving him an answer. "I
think somebody else is trying to cash in on our practical joking."
"Don't know, but we better go talk to Rosco and try to convince
him and MaryAnne AND Boss that we didn't do this."
And which patron saint do we pray to while were heading back
All of em, Luke replied. Cuz were
gonna need em.
The boys slid into the General and the car left a cloud of dust behind
as it headed towards town.
Well, the boys had about as much luck convincing Boss, Rosco and
MaryAnne of their innocence as they would have had tryin to pull
Bo and Luke walked out of the courthouse, defeated. The paused by the
General, the disgusted look on Bos face could have flattened
a fresh loaf of bread. He looked at his equally disgusted cousin.
Now what do we do? he asked.
Find out who stole Maverick, Luke replied. And bring
em to MaryAnne, personal like...cmon...
Inside the courthouse, Boss, MaryAnne and Rosco watched from the window
as the General drove away.
Id like to slap a set of steer horns on the hood of the General,
Oooh! You know what we could do to get back at them? Rosco
said. We snatch the General Lee, paint it white, chop the top
off and then slap the steer horns on it. Khee!
Heh heh, Boss chuckled. I kinda like that idea.
Welllll... MaryAnne said. Bo and Luke aint done
that much damage. I mean, Maverick needs tires and your patrol car
needs a paint job is all.
You forgetting they welded the doors shut on Cletuss car? Rosco said.
They can be unwelded. But you chop a top off a car, you cant really put it back. And besides that, Bo and Luke would kill you. MaryAnne paused. Of course, if they were to think it was the General and then find it wasnt.... She looked at Rosco and grinned. Wanna take a ride over to Finchburg?
* * *
Bo and Luke returned to the Boars Nest to try to find a clue that
might tell them who was responsible for the prank. They left General
Lee parked out front and went around to the back of the Boars
What are we lookin for? Bo asked.
Tire tracks. Maverick didnt sprout feet and walk in the front
door. There must be false panel or something. Jesse always said that
this used to be a warehouse where Boss stored his whiskey, there was
probably a docking door somewhere....
You mean like right about here? Bo pointed down to the ground.
Luke looked and saw fresh tire tracks that seemed to disappear into
Looks like Mavericks tread. He looked up at the wall
and then both he and Bo stepped closer to investigate. After a few
minutes, they discovered a portion of the wall, about the size of a
single garage door, swung upward from the ground.
Well would you look at that, Bo chuckled. Just when
ya thought you knew a place!
Yeah, really. The boys lifted the panel enough to look into
the Boars Nest and saw the rear of Maverick was lined up perfectly
with the tire tracks. Well, Luke said, it doesnt
tell us who, but at least we know how.
How are we gonna figure out who?
Lets go talk to Jesse. He might have an idea of who else
in Hazzard would know about this thing. They put the panel back
in place and secured it as they had found it. They returned to the
front of the Boars Nest and the General and were soon heading
back to the farm.
Rosco and MaryAnne meanwhile, were standing in the Finchburg County junk
yard. Loaded on a trailer behind Roscos worse for wear LeMans
and covered under a tarp was a car they were going to borrow for just
a little while.
I think youve finally flipped there, Miss MaryAnne,
the junk yard owner, Jeb, said. He scratched his head. I mean,
I can see takin the car for parts but... he shook his head
MaryAnne smiled. Itll all be worth it. And well bring
it back when were done.
I aint sure I wanna see it back.
Khee! Rosco said.
As they drove back to Hazzard, Rosco looked out the back window at the
tarp covered car.
I dunno why we cant just use the real General, he said.
Because this is cheaper than having to put the real General back
together, MaryAnne replied, guiding the LeMans over the dirt
road. Besides, its gonna give them a coronary and a clear
message one way or the other. She grinned.
Rosco laughed. Im just glad yer on my side. Khee!
The LeMans drove through town and headed straight for the impound yard.
Cooter saw the sight but figured that Maverick was under the tarp and
he turned back to his work.
Hidden in the police impound, Rosco and MaryAnne went to work on their
project, snickering and kheeing through the whole thing.
While Rosco and MaryAnne were preparin their trick, Bo and Luke were holding conference with Jesse, about the Boars Nest back in the old days.
Well, Jesse said, propping an elbow on the kitchen table,
that old warehouse had two garage doors actually. The front entrance
was a door panel. I figured he had the back one taken out completely,
but from what youve told me he didnt.
It opened right up, Bo said. We know thats how
Maverick got in there but...who else in Hazzard would know that panel
was still there?
J.D. would be the only one I can think of, Jesse replied.
Luke was quiet in thought. What about Hughie?
Hughie? Bo said. Shoot, I know hes in town but
why would he steal MaryAnnes car?
I dunno, but would he know the panel was there? Luke looked
Jesse shrugged. He might. But like Bo said, why would he steal
Hughie has an angle to everything he does, Luke said. I
cant figure why he would steal the car but...I wouldnt
rule him out of this caper. After all, he is back in town and apparently
hasnt left. Hes probably got Boss tied up into something.
Which usually spells trouble for us, Bo said. I guess
we better keep on our toes.
Aaaand, you better knock off the jokin with Rosco,
The boys grinned. Shucks, Bo said. And I was just thinkin
of a way to get back at him one more time.
Jesse scowled but then laughed.
Night time in Hazzard brings out the strangest critters. Like two
Roscos old LeMans was parked down the road from the Duke farm but
with clear view of the farmhouse. MaryAnne watched from the passenger
seat and tugged on Roscos shirt sleeve, waking the Sheriff up.
He gave a short snore and opened his eyes.
Their lights have been out for about 15 minutes, she said.
Cmon... Quietly they got out of the LeMans and snuck
onto the Duke property.
Aint you done this once before? he asked, being smart.
Yes, I have. Im very experienced in stealin Chargers,
she shot back with a grin. Now just hush and do as your told.
They made it to the General, that was parked across the yard from the
porch. They both paused and looked towards the farmhouse. It remained
dark. MaryAnne pointed to the back of the General and Rosco nodded.
As she slid into the drivers seat, he waited for the tail lights
to blink briefly before giving the car a push.
They rolled the car out of the yard and parked it several feet down the
road, past where the LeMans sat with the other car attached behind
it. They then unattached the other car, moved the LeMans out of the
way and pushed the other car down the road and into the Duke yard.
MaryAnne stepped out of the car and brought something else out with
her. She attached the object to the hood of the white car and then
scurried off the Duke property with Rosco. Back down the road, Rosco
jumped into the LeMans and MaryAnne hot-wired the General. The two
cars disappeared into the dark heading back to town.
The followin mornin...well...
Jesse was the first one to walk out of the farm house. At first he hardly
looked in the direction of the General until the white caught the corner
of this eye. He turned to look.
There, sat a white 1969 Dodge Charger, crudely chopped into a convertible
with a pair of steer horns sitting on the end of the hood. Jesse stared
at the sight and then ignoring the chickens clucking at his feet, ran
over to it.
What in tarnation....what happened to the General Lee?!?
He looked the car over, found a hand made paper license plate that
said BOSS-1 and immediately turned back towards the farm
A moment later, Bo and Luke came running out of the farm house with Daisy
hot on their heels. They stopped in their tracks and stared at the
white, chopped Charger.
Oh my Lord! Daisy exclaimed.
Oh no.... Bo said. NOOOO!
I dont believe this! Luke added, taking a few quick
steps towards the car with Bo. They both looked into the car and at
the place where the back window and sail panels once were. Their faces
were both stricken and clouded with anger at the same time. Who would
deliberately chop their car??
Bo slammed his hand on the hood of the white Charger. Roscos
crossed the line this time, Luke!
Now just hold a minute here, Jesse said. Although I
dont like whats happened to the General here, we gotta
remember that MaryAnnes car was stolen by somebody yesterday
and its possible whoever did that did this.
Or its possible that Rosco, in believing we did that, decided
to strike back in this fashion. He aint gonna be able to finish
what he started, Luke growled.
Lukes right, Uncle Jesse, Daisy said. Rosco would
probably be the first one to do something like this to the General
Almost as if on cue, the sound of an approaching car drew the Dukes attention
away from the chopped Charger. Bo immediately recognized the old LeMans
and made a beeline for the farm house. He then came running back out
with bow and dynamite arrow in hand, joining back up with his family.
He took aim as the LeMans came to a stop.
Bo, Luke said. Now Bo, wait a minute--dont!
I just wanna let em know how I feel, Luke!
Bo, youll blow us all to kingdom come! Jesse hollared.
Rosco looked at Bo. Ijit...I think we came at a bad time, MaryAnne.
MaryAnne leaned across him to peer out the window.
Nah, she said and looked straight at Bo and Luke. As
I made it clear yesterday that if my car was not out of the Boars
Nest and back in my barn before sun down with four new tires on it,
there would be serious consequences. She grinned ruefully. How
ya like my homage to Boss Hogg? He helped!
Bo stepped right up to the window of the LeMans, keeping the arrow pointed
into it at Rosco and MaryAnne, eliciting another jit! from
Rosco. We told you yesterday that we had nothin to do with
Maverick endin up in the Boars Nest! How could you do something
like this to the General?!?
Rosco was eyeballing the stick of dynamite. Oooh, uh....
Oh now Bo, I didnt do nothin to the General and neither
did Rosco here. MaryAnne tilted her head towards the Charger.
Go open the doors.... she ducked back into the LeMans and
Rosco stepped on the gas, sending the Pontiac out of the yard with
The Dukes watched the car leave and Bo nearly let the arrow go but was
stopped by Luke. Hold on, he said. Although they were just
as angry as before, they were now a little confused. Daisy stepped
to the passenger door of the Charger and pulled the handle.The door
popped open normally.
Bo and Luke turned to look and upon inspection of the door, found no
evidence of the door having ever been welded. The chopped Charger in
front of them was indeed not the General Lee.
Jesse opened the driver door to be sure himself. Well now,
he said. I guess its not really the General!
I guess not! Daisy said. She laughed in relief and even the boys cracked a smile.
They had us goin good tho, Luke said. He looked
at Bo. And you were ready to blow em sky high.
Werent you?? Bo replied with grin. He took a deep breath.
I really thought they chopped the General.
Yeah. All the same tho, that means they have the General
and hes probably stashed away somewhere, Luke said. We
gotta find out who the heck took Maverick. It might be the only way
we get the General back.
Yeah. Bo gave Luke a mischievous look. Ive the
feelin were gonna be pretty busy today.
Ol Bo and Luke had a lil surprise in mind for Rosco,
and with help from Cooter had it all set up by noon time.
Cooter parked a similar looking brown Pontiac LeMans down the street
from his garage and across from the courthouse putting it in clear
view of the doorway. He got out of the car and took quick steps back
to the garage, where Bo and Luke were waiting.
All set, he said.
Awright, Luke said with a grin. All we do now is wait.
Hehehehheheheheh, Cooter laughed. Ol Roscos
gonna wish he hadnt come back to town!
Ol Roscos gonna wish he never plugged the Generals
tail pipes to begin with. Bo corrected.
Amen to that! Cooter said.
Of course, Rosco came into town not suspectin a thing. Which
was normal. He never suspected nothin'.
Bo and Luke stood with Cooter inside the garage, watching the courthouse.
When they saw Rosco pull up, in MaryAnnes patrol car, Cooter
Well, Lukas, Bo said with a grin. There he is.
Luke smiled. Yep. The boys readied a dynamite arrow to their
bows. They then walked out of the garage and started to head across
Heh heh! Go get em yall! Cooter called.
Rosco was half way up the steps and he turned. Huh? What?
THATS YOUR CAR PARKED DOWN PAST RHEUBOTTOMS, RIGHT?
Uh... Rosco noticed the boys were armed with their bows and
dynamite arrows. That was a bad sign. He looked down the street and
saw the brown Pontiac LeMans. That was even worse.
...yeah, thats my car--OooJIT!! he exclaimed, seeing
Bo take aim. BOYS, WAIT! DONT DO IT!
Ready? Luke asked his cousin.
JIT JIT!! BO!! NOOOOO!!!
The arrow sailed down the street and touched the LeMans for a brief second
between the hood and windshield before igniting the whole front of
the car into a fireball, ripping the front fenders off and blowing
the hood into the sky. Rosco dove to the pavement.
Hooo...blows up nice, Bo said. He grinned at his cousin.
Wanna give it a shot?
Be glad to!
Rosco got to his knees and looked at the boys, seeing Luke take aim now.
There was no sense protesting, the car was already destroyed. He painfully
watched Lukes arrow touchdown near the back side of the car and
blow the trunk out.
YOU SURE THAT WAS YOUR CAR, ROSCO??
Rosco stared at his torched Pontiac and then suddenly fell sideways,
Yep, I guess that was his car, Bo grinned. Whups, I
think we gave him a coronary there, Luke.
The door of the courthouse popped open and the boys saw MaryAnne come
running out. What in the world--?? She quickly assessed
the situation, saw the crispy car and Rosco on the ground and then
saw Bo and Luke standing with empty bows. BO
AND LUKE DUKE!!! She ran after them.
Uh oh... The boys bolted back towards the garage ahead of
MaryAnne and jumped in Daisys Jeep, taking off before MaryAnne
could catch up with them. She stopped running and let them go and turned
back towards the courthouse, running over to Rosco.
She kneeled down to her cousin. Rosco? You awrignt?? She
turned him onto his back and gently patted his face. After a moment,
his eyes fluttered open.
There ya are... she said. He looked up at her and then reached
his arm out. She helped him to sit up.You awright? she
Rosco paused, looked at his burnt car and then looked at MaryAnne. No!
They blew up my car, them dang Dukes!!
Yeah, I can see they blew up your car. She paused. Why
didnt I think of doing that?
To my car??
No! To theirs! Well, not really to theirs but...
Well go ahead! We still got the dang thing hid away! He pulled
away from her grip and moved to stand up. MaryAnne gave him a steady
hand and then stepped back as he brushed his uniform off. Im
sorry...but, thats it. Ive had enough.
Well get em back....
No, I mean thats it. We call a truce.
But Rosco, they blew up your car!
I dont care, this has gone on long enough! They win! The
heck with it!
We were just gettin started!
It ends, here. His voice was firm and the decision
was final. He turned and started walking towards the backside of the
courthouse and the impound yard. MaryAnne followed.
Cooter took the responsibility of putting out the remaining flames of
the car and then brought his tow truck into position to move the car
once it cooled off enough. He overheard Rosco and MaryAnne talking
and watched as Rosco was marching towards the impound. He waited until
the Sheriff went around the corner....
....and stopped. Parked in front of him was his real LeMans.
THIS COULDA BEEN YOUR LEMANS, EH ROSCO?!
Rosco and MaryAnne both stared at the Pontiac and then heard Cooter laughing
as he went about his work. Jit jit! The Sheriff went to
the driver door and pulled it open. Upon inspecting the interior of
the car and finding the few Tootsie Roll wrappers in the ash tray,
he knew it was his. KHEE! It is mine!!
They didnt blow up your car!
No! Khee! He jumped out of the car, grinning.
That mean we can get back at em?? MaryAnne asked.
No... Rosco shook his head. Absolutely not.
Aww Rosco...aint like ya to give in like this.
Rosco looked at her. I aint got no dynamite!
MaryAnne softly chuckled. Awright, awright...well call a
While Rosco and MaryAnne were getting ready to wave a white flag
to the Dukes, Boss was about see red flags in his deal with Hughie.
Boss and Hughie passed Rosco and MaryAnne as they were heading into the
Rosco, what was that burnt out car attached to the back of Cooters
tow truck? Boss asked.
Bo and Luke Duke blew up a car with their dynamite arrows,
Hughie was looking at MaryAnne.
Bo and Luke---argh! Rosco, these shenanigans have got to stop.
All I can see comin out of all this is it being bad for business.
MaryAnne caught Hughie looking at her and his eye brows fluttered. MaryAnne
just rolled her eyes in response.
Before Rosco could explain to Boss that he and MaryAnne were going to
call a truce, Boss threw his hands up and turned to walk into the courthouse.
Hughie gave MaryAnne a parting smile and followed his uncle.
MaryAnne turned to Rosco and gagged. The Sheriff chuckled and put an arm around his cousin, walking with her to her patrol car.
Boss and Hughie settled into Bosss office and concluded their
business deal, signing all the appropriate documents. Boss gave Hughie
$150,000 in cash and grinned as he signed the final paper.
Yeah...heh heh, well be rollin in dough when all that
oil starts to flow! Boss handed the document to Hughie, who smiled.
You mean Ill be rollin in dough. Hughie threw
the paper into a briefcase and looked at Boss. Because there
aint no oil on that land.
Hughie leapt up from his chair. Its been a pleasure doing
business with ya Uncle Boss! he called as he ran out of the office.
AAAHH!! HUGHIEEEEE!!! Boss bolted up and ran after his nephew.
Hughie ran like hell out of the booking room and down the hall. He
burst out of the front doors of the courthouse, leaping down the stairs.
He made it to his VW Bug just
as Boss was coming out of the courthouse. HUGHIE!!
The little Beetle revved and pulled away, leaving Boss on the sidewalk.
Dang blast you Hughie Hogg!
Looks like Bosss red flag came in a white VW Bug.
Meanwhile, the General Lee flew over the dirt road, a Hazzard County
squad car directly behind it with siren blaring and lights flashing.
MaryAnne picked up the CB mike. Rosco, what the heck are you doing?
Sorry, sweetheart, the General Lees in front of me so Im
in hot pursuit! Khee!
MaryAnne laughed. Awright then, if thats the way you feel
about it... she dropped the mike and shifted the General into
a higher gear, pulling away from the patrol car.
At the Duke farm, the Dukes were all outdoors tending to various chores
and could hear the siren and the sound of a thundering exhaust. They
each stopped what they were doing and listened as the sound came closer.
What in tarnation...? Jesse said.
The strains of Dixie mixed with the sound of a racing engine
and wailing siren. The Dukes all looked towards the drive and watched
as their own General Lee and a white patrol car came around the corner
into their yard, coming to a dust choking stop.
MaryAnne waved a white flag out the window and as the dust cleared away,
Bo and Luke started to walk over, laughing.
Rosco just cant follow this car with giving chase. Khee!
We come in peace...as opposed to in pieces, MaryAnne said with
Yall had enough huh? Bo asked.
Oh, not me. She pointed her flag back towards Rosco, who
was walking towards the General. Him. Ya did em in with
blowin up that duplicate LeMans.
The boys laughed and MaryAnne slid out through the window.
Put a quiver in my liver, thats fer sure... Rosco said.
Just imagine what we really would have done with your car,
Jit! Rosco looked at his cousin. MaryAnne, will you
hurry it up? We aint got all day to be lollygagin with
MaryAnne giggled. Anyway, we call a truce and we return to ya the
General here. I wiped him down and hes got a full tank of gas
The boys nodded. Much obliged, Luke said. Tell ya what,
me and Bo will go with ya to the Boars Nest, well help
ya get Maverick outta there.
MaryAnne nodded. Awright, she said. Its about
MaryAnne, honey, you still dont think these boys did that do you? Daisy asked.
She thought about it for a moment. I dont really care,
she said in reply. I just want my car back.
And youll get em back, Bo said. Why dont
ya just hop in the General here...
MaryAnne turned to Rosco. Ill see ya in town.
Awright, Rosco said. You boys behave huh?
They laughed. Yes, sir, Sheriff!
Well it took the boys, with help from Cooter, a good half an hour
to get Maverick out of the Boars Nest. While they did that, MaryAnne
opened the inside and outside doors to Bosss office and the front
door of the Boars Nest to let air circulate through and take
some of the smell out.
Cooter looked to make sure MaryAnne was out of earshot and then looked
at the boys. She still think yall did this?
I think she does, Luke said. But I think shes
following an innocent until proven guilty thought.
Well, thats more than ol Rosco would do.
The boys chuckled. You got that right.
After getting Maverick out of the Boars Nest, the boys headed
back home to get some chores done....before Jesse started hollarin.
The work took them to the back forty, leavin the General alone
and unattended in the yard.....
Hughie and one of his henchmen had observed the Duke farm and when they
noticed that all of the Dukes were busy away from the homestead, and
thus the General, they quickly drove onto the Duke property. In less
than five minutes, they had attached a set of gumballs to the top of
the General and partially covered the 01 on the doors with gold Hazzard
County Sheriffs decals.
Welcome to the Hazzard County Sheriffs Department, General Lee, Hughie snickered.
* * *
The doors to the booking room burst open and Bo and Luke walked through
looking like a couple of very unhappy customers.
Uh oh, MaryAnne said from the booking desk. You two
look mad enough to spit nails.
We are, Luke said.
Somebody went and slapped a set of police lights and Sheriffs
department door decals on the General, Bo explained. His tone
and look were accusatory towards MaryAnne and Rosco, who stood just
behind his cousin.
Wait a minute, you dont think it was us do you?? MaryAnne
The boys looks answered that.
Fellas, Ive been either over at Cooters or here since
I got back! MaryAnne said. And Roscos been out on
patrol. Although, Enos said he noticed that one of the cars had its
set of gumballs missing.
Thats right, Rosco said. MaryAnne and I aint
had time to drive all they way out to your farm to put a set of gumballs
on the General Lee.
Im sure you two made time, Luke said. Im
surprised yall werent there when we discovered it so you
could get your giggles. Cmon, Bo.
Wait a minute, MaryAnne said, suddenly hit with an idea.
Wait a minute, she repeated before the boys could
leave the booking room. She stood up and came down to the middle of
the booking room. Now you fellas say you didnt put Maverick
in the Boars Nest, right?
Thats right, we didnt. We told you that, Bo replied
Now hold on, Im inclined to believe ya now and Ill
tell ya why. Exactly like you said, we werent there when ya found
the General. After every joke you boys pulled you claimed it, either
by being there when we discovered it or goin outta your way to
make a comment and get your yucks. Same with Rosco here. Yall
werent at the Boars Nest when Boss and I found Maverick
and Rosco and I werent at the farm or show up sometime after
when yall found the General with gumballs.
Bo and Luke considered this and came off their defense, walking back
into the booking room.
Now all that being true in fact, MaryAnne continued, who
the heck did put Maverick in the Boars Nest and slap Sheriffs
stars and gumballs on the General??
I think it might be Hughie, Luke said.
Hughie? Rosco said.
Hughie Hogg? MaryAnne looked at Rosco. Aint that
Bosss nephew? That lil piglet we saw earlier today, in
the white suit that was making those stupid faces at me?
The boys laughed. So you met Hughie huh? Bo asked.
Well, not formally. Boss didnt introduce him to me, which
is just as well. But if hes here with some deal with Boss, whats
he pickin on us for?
Knowing Hughie, it all ties in somehow, Luke said. The
only other person who would remember that that door panel was still
on the back side of the Boars Nest might be Hughie. I mean, we
all remember when the place became the Boars Nest but Hughie
actually worked for Boss that summer when it was converted over.
MaryAnne nodded. Good point. But I still dont understand
why hes trying to cash in on our jokin. And if it is him,
hes not aware weve called a truce.
Which means there might be more booby traps, Bo said.
What we need to do is find out what hes got goin with Boss, Luke said and looked at Rosco. Has Boss told you anything?
Rosco shook his head. Not a thing.
Nothing? Bo said. Thats weird. I thought Boss
told you everything.
Ol Roscos on a strictly need-to-know basis with Boss,
MaryAnne said. Boss decides strictly what he needs to know and
Well maybe you can convince Boss that you need to know, Luke
said to the Sheriff.
Im sure theres a reason why he aint said anything
to me. But I can try.
Awright. When ya find out, give us a hollar on the CB. Considerin
our combined experiences, we might be able to outjoke Hughie.
Oooh, MaryAnne said and grinned. Can we blow up his
All of them laughed.
* * *
A little later when Rosco came back from patrol, he found Boss in his
courthouse office. He poked his head in.
Boss? Can I ask ya a question?
Boss looked up and Rosco noted his brother-in-law didnt look very
Whats Hughie hangin around town for? Rosco asked,
coming into the office.
You aint got nothin tied up with him do ya?
Rosco, Boss said, I have a terrible confession to make.
Yeah, Boss sniveled. Sit down.
That terrible?? Rosco sat down in a chair at the front of
Hughie came here sayin that this piece of land hes
got over in Hatchapie County has oil under it.
Ooooh! When Bosss unhappy look didnt change,
Rosco realized what it meant. Oh, jit jit, you didnt believe
him did ya?
Boss nodded. I did. I entered into a deal with him to give him
some working capital to start up more oil rigs. I gave him $150,000
in cash and holdings to the gravel pit and the trucking company.
Only he snookered ya.
Yeah, he snookered me.
So whats your terrible confession?
Well....assuming that the deal was legit I...wasnt...plannin
on cuttin you in. Boss cringed.
What?!? You werent gonna cut me in?!?
Boss shook his head.
You fat lil meadowmuffin! If that had been a legitimate deal
you were just gonna leave me in dust, is that it?? Your own brother-in-law....
Rosco, I know I coulda potentially done ya wrong with this deal
but...you gotta help me get them holdins back!
Why should I help you?? The least I can do is thank you for not
cuttin me on that rotten deal! Cant lose nothin I
Rosco, you dont understand. I signed away enough for Hughie
to make some real trouble here in Hazzard County, not the least of
which could cost you your job!
My job?? You made the deal with him!
If Hughie manages to take over the commissionership--itll mean the end of your job!
Jitjit! What the heck possessed you to go into a deal with Hughie
to begin with?? You know hes never done nothin right by
you ever before.
I know, Rosco, I know... Boss made a face. Its
greed, Rosco. Pure, Hoggadultarated GREED.
Well, you sure got plenty of that. Rosco picked up the CB
mike on Bosss desk.
What are you doin?
Im callin MaryAnne. Just hush. He clicked the
talk button. Songbird, you got yer ears on?
Go ahead, Bear.
Listen, I got an answer to our mutual question but uh...I dont
think yall gonna like the answer. You wanna round up them Lost
Sheep and head on over here to the courthouse?
Ten-four, Bear. Lost Sheep, you copy?
Loud and clear, Songbird. Were headin to town,
Aaah! Bos exclaimed. What are you bringing them dang
blasted Duke boys here for?
Because youre gonna need all the help you can get. Besides,
the boys and MaryAnne believe, as do I, that Hughie put Maverick in
the Boars Nest and he even went and slapped a set of gumballs
on the General Lee, so theyve got a personal interest in all
My goodness...that boys been busy.
So the boys, along with Daisy, met up with MaryAnne at the courthouse
and Boss explained the deal that went south. Of course, he left out
the part about not cuttin Rosco in on the deal, but he did tell
them that he had given Hughie $150,000 and holdins to his truckin
company and gravel company to make up the difference.
What do I do? Boss asked when he finished.
Everyone was quiet in thought. Maybe you could convince Hughie
that everything you signed over to him was fake? MaryAnne suggested.
Luke grinned. You can do one better. You let Hughie think hes
received stuff thats marred in legal problems.
What kind of legal problems? Daisy asked.
Well, Im thinkin like violations of OSHA and the EPA
and whatever other alphabet soup organizations we can come up with,
Heh heh! I like your thinkin! Boss said.
We bring in fake inspectors and bombard Hughie with violations,
notices of pending action and hell be beggin you to take
But how do I get the $150,000 back?
You either demand blood money from Hughie for your...time and expense,
or, in addition to taking back the rotten holdings, you
have Hughie buy out your interest in that piece of land.
But that lands worthless and Hughie knows it, Rosco
said. What would make him buy back that interest?
Well, Im hoping Hughies never had a legitimate geological
survey done on that land. We may be able to convince him that the land
has another kind of value, like maybe theres silver ore underneath
or something. The trick is to make sure Hughie hasnt had any
surveys done to the land and to make sure of that Im thinkin
we can send Daisy and MaryAnne here over to Hatchapie County to check
with the courthouse over there.
We can do that, Daisy said. MaryAnne nodded.
Awright. In the time the girls are doing that, we can start making
Hughies life difficult. Luke looked at Boss. Got
some cronies that could play OSHA and EPA inspectors?
Lukes plan basically consisted of convincing Hughie that
everything Boss signed over to him was marred in legal problems, thus
making Hughie feel like the sucker. While MaryAnne and Daisy went to
do research over in Hatchapie, Boss found a few of his cronies to play
fake officers of the Environmental Protection Agency and the Occupational,
Safety and Health Administration. You know, I suppose its a good
thing that the Dukes, Boss and Rosco dont join forces more often.
But when they do? Boy howdy, you sure do get your moneys worth....
It took Boss a couple of days to get his inspectors
together and tell them what the plan was. In that time, Daisy and MaryAnne
gathered what they could at the courthouse in Hatchapie and received
verification that no geological surveys had been filed on Hughies
parcel of land.
At a meeting of the minds at the Boars Nest, Daisy and MaryAnne
shared what they had with the boys, Boss and Rosco.
Good work, girls, Luke said.
Ya done real good, Boss concurred.
Awright, now what we gotta do is figure out how to put together
a phony geological survey, Luke said.
I know somebody in Atlanta who might be able to help with that,
You do?? Boss said.
Khee! Shes practically got the entire city of Atlanta in
her back pocket, Rosco said.
MaryAnne smiled and everyone chuckled. Close, she said. Anyway,
Daisy and I can drive there tomorrow, can probably have the report
put together in a day.
That oughta work out good, Luke said. He looked at Boss.
Youve got your fake inspectors ready to go?
Boss nodded. Theyre ready.
Okay, Cooter says hes seen Hughie here around lunch time
in the last couple of days. I figure once Hughie over hears me and
Bo shootin the breeze about him over a beer, thatll set
the ball in motion.
Like clockwork, Hughie was at the Boars Nest at lunch time a couple
"I've seen Boss pull some dirty tricks, Luke... he overheard
Bo say, but I can't believe he'd do this to his own nephew.
Even if it is Hughie."
"You got that right."
Hughie kept listenin but didnt get any details. He soon left
the Boars Nest and went to town, sneaking into the booking room
where he spotted Bosss office door was open a ways.
"That Hughie! Thinkin' I'd give up my truckin company and
the gravel pit to the likes of him without havin' me a real good reason!
Heh heh heh!
Khee! Rosco laughed. He then stopped. Uh...what is
your real good reason?
Dummy! The OSHA people... Boss hissed. Plus the EPA
wanted to ask me a few questions about the gravel pit...
Oh...oooh...jit jit, I forgot about that.
Yeah...heh heh, now Hughies gonna have to answer em.
Hughie quietly walked out of the booking room and left the courthouse
with a confused look on his face. Boss had seemed genuinely upset when
Hughie pulled the shuck and jive on him -- but then again, Boss could
pull just as fast of a fast one too. And it was possible Boss somehow
found out the deal was a con before they got to the bargaining table.
But, sacrifice $150,000?
With these thoughts in mind, Hughie drove his Beetle back to the office
of the trucking company. He hardly noticed the two indiscreet four
door sedans parked in the parking lot.
When he walked into the office, he saw four men seated in the small office
area, taking up all the available chairs and heavily armed with clipboards.
They looked official looking and had each helped themselves to a cup
of the office coffee. One of the men stood up, looking at him.
Yeah, Im Hughie Hogg. What can I do for you gentlemen?
The one that spoke removed a business card from his jacket pocket. Were
from the Occupational Safety and Hazzard Administration. We understand
that youve just recently acquired this business.
Hughie hesitated. Uh, yes...
Mr. Hogg were you aware of the pending investigations against this
This business is suspected of violating various state and federal
regulations and laws in the concerns of the safety and well being of
Naturally, Mr. Hogg, any liability will fall on the assets of the
company and not on yourself, unless youve made any personal stake
into the company. My associates and I are here to determine if the
company in deed is in violation of any laws or regulations.
Wait a minute, wait a minute. I wasnt made aware of this
at the time I acquired this business.
Unfortunately, Mr. Hogg, were not concerned with what was
and wasnt disclosed during the acquisition of this business.
Youll want to take that up with your attorney and the seller.
The man turned to his associates and they stood up. Further
protests from Hughie were ignored as the men spread out through the building, taking their pens to their clipboards and making notes.
Bosss fake inspectors cited Hughie for everything from unsafe
working conditions to serving bad coffee. The accumulated dollar amount
in fines was $150,000. Hughie was fit to be tied and his mood didnt
improve any when his boys at the gravel pit called.
Hughie! Its Manny over at the gravel pit.
Hughie grabbed the phone. Yeah??
I got EPA dudes over here! Theyre crawlin around this
place like they own it! What do you want me to do??
Just sit tight, Ill be right over. Hughie slapped the
phone down and told his henchmen where he was heading.
Over at the gravel pit, Hughie found more of the same.
A hundred thousand dollars?!? Hughie exclaimed, looking at
the violations and fines sheet.
The three EPA inspectors didnt reply as they walked
out of the office of the gravel company.
Thoroughly annoyed, Hughie gathered up the violations notices and headed to town. His VW Bug came to a squealing stop in front of the courthouse.
Rosco and Cletus were in the booking room and the Sheriff looked out
the window. Oooh, thatsHughie. Boss?? Get ready for some
wheelin and dealin, the lil piglet just pulled up.
Heh heh! Bring em on!
Khee! Rosco scurried back to the booking desk and Cletus
went to the other desk, both appearing busy as Hughie came marching
through the door.
Rosco looked up and Cletus said, Howdy Hughie, but Hughie
didnt acknowledge either of them. He walked straight to his uncles
office and then slammed the door behind him.
Cletus looked at Rosco. Ya reckon hes mad at something?
Hughie hollared and carried on for a good fifteen minutes, which
hardly phased Boss. He just sat and smiled through the whole rant.
Hughie, Boss said, settling his cigar into the ash tray,
you woulda done the same thing to me given the chance. In fact,
thats what you tried to do with this deal but I beat ya to it.
Let this be a lesson to ya Hughie Hogg, nobody can shuck and jive me
and get away with it. You should know that by now... Boss paused
and picked up the fake geology report Daisy and MaryAnne had put together.
You really blew it, Hughie. You know something? That chunk of
land Im now partnered with you in....has silver under it.
Hughies jaw dropped. Silver?
Boss tossed the geology report across the desk. Hughie grabbed it up,
ignored most of the two hundred pages and looked at only the first
two pages, which was the geologists write up. The report was complied
by a Steven Waite of DDMC Surveyors,
LLC of Atlanta, and upon his sworn statement the land covered a small silver ore, approximate dollar amount in value exceeding 1 million dollars.
Hughies eyes bugged out and Boss laughed.
How about we null and void our original deal? Hughie asked.
How about we not? Heh....however, I might consider taking back
those holdings if you want to buy out my interest in that land.
Youll take em back?
For the right price.
Hughie paused. How much?
Make me an offer.
Hughie thought about it. A hundred thousand.
Boss looked at Hughie. That was way more than he expected to get. Hughie
however took the pause as a rejection.
$250,000! That covers the fines!
Deal!! Boss shouted. I sell back my interest in the
land and take back the gravel company and trucking company for $250,000!
Hughie concurred and they shook hands on the deal. Awright, you
git yourself back here tomorrow and well sign the papers. Ill
contact the EPA and OSHA people and have them here too, so they know
that you will no longer be responsible for the liabilities.
Ol Hughie couldnt get back to the courthouse the next day soon enough. Boss had one of his group of fake inspectors come in late, which made Hughie wait in the courthouse office and gave the boys, Cooter and Rosco a head start on their practical joke on Hughie.
Without causing a stir, the boys, Cooter and Rosco pushed Hughies
Beetle over to the garage.
Oops, sorry! The Beetle disappeared into the garage.
Ol Hughie didnt hear nothin. He was too busy
Cooter handed paint guns to Bo and Luke. Rosco slapped a piece of newspaper
to the windshield and pulled a piece of masking tape.
Back at the courthouse, the remaining group of fake inspectors arrived
and the closing of the deal got under way. Boss stalled as long as
he could, giving a few long winded speeches about good business practices
and blah blah blah and that the oversights of the trucking company
and the gravel pit would be addressed and taken care of immediately.
Hughie signed off on the two companies happily and even forked over
the $250,000 to his uncle with a smile. After all, that was chump change
compared to the nearly one million dollars worth of silver ore that
he thought was sitting under that land.
Awright, there ya are Hughie, Boss said, signing the final
document that released his rights to the land. The transactions were
now complete. Hughie grabbed up his documents and gleefully left the
When Hughie got outside, he found Bo, Luke, Cooter and Rosco lined up
along the side of his car, blocking the view of it.
Hey, Hughie, Luke greeted.
Hughie smirked. What do you fellas want?
Actually we just wanna ask ya a couple of questions, Luke
explained. Did you put MaryAnnes car inside the Boars
And put a set of gumballs on the General Lee? Bo added.
So what if I did?
Shoot, we was just wonderin, Luke said. I mean,
we can all take a joke. Theres no hard feelins if it was
you that did it. Just want to make sure we give credit where credit
is due. Luke then stepped away from the car, followed by Bo,
No hard feelins Hughie! Bo said with a laugh, as the
four headed down the sidewalk. Hughie watched them go and then looked
at his car.
His VW Beetle was now painted orange, with a black and white 01
on not only on the doors, but on the hood ala Herbie the Love Bug.
Embarrassed, Hughie got into the car, and drove out of Hazzard Square,
with everybody laughing and pointing at him.
Friends and neighbors, thats worth more than having Hughie
find out that land aint got no silver on it.
Despite Boss gettin back twice what he had originally lost
to Hughie, he ended up havin to pay out a lot. He had to pay
his fake inspectors, then he had to pay for gettin Rosco and
Cletuss patrol cars back in shape, reimburse MaryAnne for tires,
pay to have the Boars Nest fumigated and then make a hefty donation
to the county orphanage, at the encouragement of the Dukes.
Boss had quite a full house in his office as he counted out bills to
everyone that was demanding something, and all with a pained expression
on his face.
Thank ya, Boss, MaryAnne said with a smile. She pocketed
the money and Boss sighed in relief. She was the last one in the line.
Hey yall, Bo said, holding the fake geology report
in his hand. Whats this DDMC Surveyors? Is that the guy
you know in Atlanta?
Sorta, MaryAnne replied. DD is Daisy Duke, MC is MaryAnne
Coltrane. She grinned. The Dukes laughed and everyone migrated
out of the office, chatting and joking.
Rosco, however, stayed behind.
Boss looked at him. The Sheriff held his hand out, palm up.
AAH! Rosco, are you turnin on me at a time like this?!
I helped ya to keep get them company holdins back, and keep
your job as commissioner!
Yeah? Well to keep your job as Sheriff you best be gettin
out on patrol and collectin them speed trap fines! Cuz I aint
payin you nothin!
Jit! Rosco pulled his hand away. Im gone....
Well, Rosco didnt collect any fines...but he did nab somebody
in the Celebrity Speed Trap....Mr. Dwight Yoakam.
The clean and refurbished Boars Nest was packed to the doors for
the free Dwight Yoakam performance. Boss, however, put the beer on
special....at a buck and a half.
Dwight stood in front of Bosss office door, the traditional spot
for most of the celebrity speed trap victims, with his band. He wore
what had to be the tightest pair of ripped and faded blue jeans ever
seen, a denim western shirt, boots and tan colored
Stetson hat pulled so far down it nearly covered his eyes and gave him a signature look. He turned to the band and they launched into Guitars and Cadillacs.
Girl, you taught me how to hurt real bad and cry myself to sleep...showed
me how this town can shatter dreams... Another lesson about a naive
fool, who came to Babylon, found out that the pie dont taste
Now its guitars, Cadillacs, hillbilly music, lonely lonely streets
that I call home...
Everybody in the Boars Nest clapped to the beat or danced to the
song. Even Rosco and Boss, standing off to the side, boogied to the
honky tonk tune. When the song ended, the room filled with loud applause
and cheering. The Duke family, Cooter and the three deputies of the
Sheriffs department all went up to Dwight and offered accolades
and shook his hand.
It was really great for you to stop here in Hazzard, MaryAnne
said. I got yer first record. I really like that song.
Well, you can thank the Sheriff, Dwight replied and pointed
What? Oh no, no no no.... MaryAnne looked at Rosco, disapproving.
They were doin 57 in a 55 zone, Rosco stated, matter-of-factly.
Thats right, Boss said. But because they played
so well, Im gonna tear up this here ticket. He held the
ticket up and tore it in half with a smile.
Dwight looked at the ticket. Hoyt Axton was right about you. Youre
quite the varlett, Boss.
Heh heh, thank ya, Boss replied.
Dwight exchanged an amused glance with those gathered around and then
made his departure with his band.
I guess ol Boss aint figured out what a varlett is....and I aint gonna tell him...
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